Before I was able to get this site and blog up and going like I wanted, I posted a request on facebook asking people for any questions they might have had about love, sex and relationships. I received two questions that I would like to answer as best as I can. I will break them up into two separate posts as they are both pretty big questions. While I cannot diagnose anything or tell you exactly what is going on inside your head, I can let you know what the research says and hopefully make you think about things from a different angle so you can come to your own conclusion/solutions. I am very honest and don't play around with niceties. Those who have met me met can attest to this.
The first question asks “Why the heck am I so jealous of any woman talking to my boyfriend?”
I have two ways to look at this jealousy. First, the evolutionary standpoint. This can be a controversial topic that I will get into more at depth at another time. In terms of of evolution, as a human female you are “programmed” to feel protective over a mate, just as men are protective though for other reasons. This was a way to ensure that a woman wouldn't be left taking care of a child without a father. The resources of the father are extremely beneficial to the care-taking of children. Loss of those resources could result in death of the children or the mother. Because of this concern, a female would do everything she could to keep a partner. Mind you, when it comes to our behaviors, they date back from hundreds of thousands to millions of years ago. Evolution is a very slow process.
Keep in mind that this is a “natural” feeling. In this instance, it is not that beneficial when it comes to a healthy relationship. No one wants to deal with a jealous partner and most won't tolerate it for very long. Jealousy is just a sign of shitty self esteem. When you watch your partner talk to other women, you start to think about how he might find them more appealing than you. You fixate on all your flaws, and all of the ways she may be better than you, and then possibly start to fixate on her flaws trying to convince yourself that you really are better. Ultimately though, you are terrified that he may notice how ugly, fat, stupid, whatever it is that you think may be the case and want someone better. You don't believe that you are deserving of a partner, so much so that you feel that your relationship is fragile that even him talking to another girl could send it all crashing down.
You need to see your own value, both with and without a partner. Think about all the things you would want in a partner or a friend and ask yourself how many of these qualities do I have? Know how awesome you are and vow to become even better. Know that woman he is talking to may be super hot and flirty, but you are those things and so much more. Know that even if he left you for her, you would find someone else just as awesome as you are. Instead of immediately thinking revenge, remember that you have nothing to worry about. You know he awesome and he knows I'm awesome too, that's why he's with me. Watching him talk to another woman means nothing and you're just freaking myself out, so STOP doing THAT!
Changing your thinking in that respect is the one of the hardest obstacles, but if you say it enough it will become a habit. If you can’t talk yourself out of the jealousy, try placing yourself in his shoes. Picture him behaving and thinking as you are in that moment. If you were just chatting with a male friend, how would you feel if he behaved as you do? Try to imagine a more productive way of dealing wit the situation, such as letting him finish his conversation, wait until you have a few minutes to talk in private, then letting him know of your fears in a calm rational manner. After you have figured out what is really bothering you, let him reassure you, if you need it, that you are awesome. Now what is the most important thing to take away from this? Move on, don’t let it stay with you, and most of all, let it go! It’s been dealt with, now it’s up to you to move on! If you can’t, it’s your issue and you need to deal with it on your own.
When we are in those moments of intense jealously, our rational mind takes a back seat and we need to force ourselves to rationally explain all our thoughts as just this primitive feeling based on fear of being alone. We no longer live in a society where a woman “needs” a mate to survive. Women are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.
Once you realize that you don’t need him, losing him won’t be so scary. Once you stop needing him, it will then be a conscious choice of wanting him in your life. You will be with your partner because you are happy when he is around, as opposed to him making him happy. It’s not his job, and he can’t do it. Only you can make yourself happy. YOU get to choose the people you want in your life. If you like who you are when they are around, then they are worth keeping. If not, let them go.